[The ring bell rings 3 times to honor the legacy of all wrestlers who have passed away, followed by a pyro display and a sea of fans in an uproar.]
Listen to the entire episode here!
Magnum McFly: It's a night where we will see tag team action for the first time! A night where the Web Championship gets defended for the first time! And a night where the MNR Championship is on the line inside of a steel cage for the first time! It's a hot July summer's night outside, but the thermostat inside is even hotter because ladies & gentlemen, we emanate from McGrath Arena in Chicago, Illinois for this edition of Monday Night Raj: CAGED HEAT!
Hello everyone! Magnum McFly here alongside Pretty & Terrific "P.T." Barnum, and P.T., the action tonight is hotter than ever!
P.T. Barnum: Exactly McFly! It's Caged Heat, we've got tag team action, we've got Web Championship action, and we've got Steel Cage action! Something is going up in flames, that's for sure!
MM: And that Steel Cage match, remember, the only way to win is by escaping. No doors, no pinfalls, no submissions, no countouts! But you have to wonder, P.T., you have to wonder, if and how Brutice Johnson will factor into tonight's action?
P.T.: Well, President RajNATION said that the cage was designed more to keep Brutice Johnson out than it was to keep Ace Hopper and Cam Danzler in. Johnson ain't getting in that's for sure, but his shadow is certainly cast upon tonight's proceedings. We haven't seen him around the building today, but we'll be sure to keep you updated if that changes.
MM: Time now for our first contest of the night. It's tag team action, with Gunner and The Funky Diabetic teaming up against "El Fuego" Juan Tamale and Night Nurse!
[A pop of spray pyro goes off around the big screen as Gunner's music hits.]
[Gunner walks out in a biker vest that reads "Gunner Nation" on the back, with black pants, and black boots with purple laces. Most of the crowd cheers with some boos peppered in.]
Ring Announcer: The following is a Tag Team Contest scheduled for one-fall! First, making his way to the ring, from San Bernardino, California, The Hell's Angel....GUNNNNEEERRRR!
MM: Fans seem to really be taking to Gunner over the last several weeks, P.T.
P.T.: And you can see why, this man takes beatings for breakfast! He's a tough son of a gun, he's Gunner!
[Lord Voldemort appears on the big screen and shoots a lightning bolt to the top of the entryway.]
[The Funky Diabetic walks to the ring in Tar Heel blue khaki shorts holding an insulin case as the crowd cheers.]
Ring Announcer: His tag team partner, from Asheville, North Carolina....The FUNKY Diabetic!
[Multi-colored flashing lights fill the arena as "El Fuego" Juan Tamale enters in a palm tree-designed cubavera shirt. He's wearing aviator sunglasses while a bikini model fans him with a giant palm leaf. He does dismissive hand motions to the crowd and counts money with the crowd reigning down boos.]
Ring Announcer: Their opponents, first, hailing from Havana, Cuba, EL FUEGO....JUAN...TAMAAAAALEEEEEEE!
MM: Notice that Juan Tamale is being escorted to the ring by a new bikini model. He fired his original model, blaming her for his championship match loss against Ace Hopper at All Out Fallout.
P.T.: As he should! If she had done her job, Tamale would be the MNR Champion right about now!
MM: I suppose perception and reality are determined by vantage point. Nevertheless, Tamale is hot coming off that loss, so expect him to pull out all the stops tonight!
[Night Nurse enters wearing scrubs, with a nurse hat, and stethoscope in her ears. She puts 2 fingers to her wrist pulse then points to the crowd with a thumbs down, signifying the pulse of the crowd is dead. Crowd boos.]
Ring Announcer: Aaaaand his tag team partner, from Raleigh, North Carolina...NIGHT NURSE!
[Bell rings to start the match.]
MM: We are underway here at a sold out McGrath Arena! This one should be interesting. Back at Champions Tournament, Night Nurse faced Funky Diabetic in the quarterfinals. She won on a 10-count after Funky had some insulin issues and could not make it back to his feet. You can bet that Funky will seek retribution tonight.
Looks like it'll be Night Nurse and Gunner to start things off in this one.
They circle each other, now lock up, hand to hand in a battle of strength. Gunner the much larger athlete here easily winning this strength competition, but wait--Night Nurse using small size to her disadvantage slides in between the legs of Gunner and chop blocks him at the knee! Great ring awareness by Night Nurse. Now with Gunner on one knee, she drives an elbow into his shoulder muscle.
P.T.: Take your opponent down at their key points of strength, legs and shoulders, great strategy by Night Nurse!
MM: Night Nurse off the ropes, drives Gunner face first into the mat with a Running Bulldog! She took him from kneeling and used her momentum off the ropes to plant his head into the canvas! We've said this before, there is perhaps no one in all of Monday Night Raj who knows the human body better than Night Nurse. She will use that keen understanding of anatomy and physiology to her advantage.
Gunner now laying face down on the mat, here's Night Nurse off the ropes once again, and now a Leg Drop to the back of the neck!
P.T.: Small but smart--whether in the ring or in a CVS Urgent Care, never underestimate the power of a nurse!
MM: What's she have on her mind here? Nurse setting up at Gunner's feet, reaching for his arms...a Surfboard! Surfboard submission stretch on Gunner!
P.T.: The Surfboard is not oft used but it is highly effective! Gunner's feeling the strain on his low back in that pose as Night Nurse has him inverted atop her. Now, Gunner weighs plenty more than Night Nurse, but again that knowledge of the body coming into play as she lifts from her strongest points, and pulls at his weakest, making him light as a feather in this hold.
MM: Sort of like doing Acro Yoga wouldn't you say, P.T.?
P.T.: Acro Yoga?? Go home, McFly.
MM: Night Nurse still applying pressure to Gunner who is not giving up. This man lives for pain, and the word submit is not in his lexicon. Now Night Nurse releases the hold. She goes to the corner and tags in "El Fuego" Juan Tamale.
P.T.: Tamale's in the game, time to see sparks fly!
MM: Tamale picking up where Night Nurse left off stomping Gunner in the back of the head! Now he brings Gunner to his feet and showboats to the fans.
[Fans boo as Tamale turns around and flexes]
MM: Tamale showing off his physique and ---BOOM! He turned around to a hard right hand from Gunner! Serves him right! Now another hard right! And a left! And a right! Gunner gaining momentum here! Now a kick to the gut, and a Gutwrench Powerbomb! What a maneuver by Gunner, pulling out that Gutwrench Powerbomb out of his back pocket! Here's the cover 1----2----and Night Nurse in to break up the count!
P.T.: I have no issues with showboating, but Tamale needs to know when to dock that boat and get back to the matter at hand.
MM: Tag made now by Gunner, and The Funky Diabetic steps into the ring to a pleasant ovation from the crowd. Funky sizing up Tamale on the mat. If you're not familiar with his style, Funky is a man of many holds. And here's one of them now! Funky Diabetic hooks the leg and applies the STF! STF on Juan Tamale, he might tap! He might tap!
P.T.: Funky has the leg hooked for leverage, applying pressure to the jawline of Juan Tamale!
MM: And Night Nurse in now to break things up! Let me tell you, a few more seconds and that may have been it for Tamale! Now take a look at this! Night Nurse and Funky Diabetic face to face, staring each other down.
P.T.: Funky didn't like Night Nurse's interference!
MM: Funky starting to shake violently now! Uh oh...WHAT IN THE--Funky slapping himself across the face! Night Nurse looking on perplexed and rightfully so! Funky now slapping himself across the chest! Has he lost it??
P.T.: McFly, no he hasn't lost it! Night Nurse better be careful! Funky's diabetic condition sometimes causes him to snap from certain triggers! Night Nurse may have been the trigger!
MM: And Funky charges at Night Nurse! Punches across the gut to Night Nurse, and now a clothesline over the top rope, both competitors are outside the ring! Gunner's looking on from his corner unsure of what to do, Tamale is coming back to his feet now, and Funky is on the ground pummeling Night Nurse outside the ring!
Wait wait--what's this? Tamale sees what's happening outside, I think he's looking to fly! Off the ropes and--JEEZ ALOU!!! A suicide dive over the top rope onto Funky Diabetic and his own partner Night Nurse, all 3 athletes are down!
P.T.: I don't think the chaos is over just yet, Double M!
MM: I think you're right, P.T...Gunner now coming over to that side of the ring. Competitors coming to, Gunner running along the apron! And an Axehandle Smash takes everyone back down!
All 4 wrestlers sprawled out on the concrete floor, chaos has erupted, and the fans love it!
[Referee begins a 10-count]
P.T.: Remember, Funky Diabetic and Juan Tamale are the legal men right now. They need to get back into the ring or risk a double count out!
MM: Tamale coming to now as the ref gets to 5. What's this? Gunner grabs Tamale by the tights and rolls him back into the ring, meanwhile Night Nurse does the same to Funky Diabetic! Tamale rolls over onto Funky for the cover! 1----2-----no he kicked out! He kicked out but just barely!
P.T.: Tamale saw an opening there to make the cover, kudos to him for surveying the landscape and acting appropriately!
MM: Tamale up to his feet now, headed to the corner. He lets out a loud whistle, and I think we all know what that means!
P.T.: Yes sir, Vaya Con Dios Superkick time!
MM: Funky Diabetic up to his feet, here it goes! VAYA CON--NO--Funky ducks, turns around---PLATELET! PLATELET! Funky Diabetic hits that Running Bulldog he calls the Platelet on Juan Tamale! Here's the cover! 1---wait! What?? Night Nurse and the Bikini Model have the referee distracted in the corner. C'mon ref! That's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5! Tamale has been pinned Damnit! This match should be over!
P.T.: All's fair here McFly! Night Nurse running interference for Tamale!
MM: Now Funky releasing the cover, and what's that?? Tamale pulling a foreign object out of his pants! He's got brass knuckles on! He's back to his feet, he turns Funky Diabetic around, and OH MY STARS! He clocked him clean across the face! Now he chucks the brass knucks out of the ring and goes for the cover! Referee turns around for the count as Night Nurse sprints across the ring and dropkicks Gunner off the apron!
And I'll be damned there's 3! This one is over!
Ring Announcer: Here are your winners, the team of Night Nurse and, El Fuego JUAN TAMAALLEEEE!
P.T.: El Fuego Juan Tamale isn't one to play by the books, and he knows that the W comes dirty sometimes!
MM: But can a person at least TRY, just TRY to fight clean, just once?? I don't understand, but whether you like it or not, Night Nurse and El Fuego Juan Tamale get the win.
As this match clears out we invite you to discuss tonight's action on social media using #MondayNightRaj and mentioning @RajNATION!
P.T.: Double M, are ya ready? We are moments away from the Superstar of Superstars, we are moments away from seeing THE Steve Steele in action!
MM: That's right, P.T., in our next contest, "Superstar" Steve Steele defends his Web Championship against The Stone Man. And P.T., I don't know if you could have more polar opposites facing each other.
Polar opposites?! Forget poles, Stone Man isn't even in the same time period as Steve Steele! They oughtta send his ass back to the Stone Age!
MM: Friends that match is next!
[The Stone Man appears from behind the curtain and walks to the ring holding a wooden club, no music plays.]
Ring Announcer: The following contest is scheduled for one-fall! A winner may be declared via pinfall, countout, our submission, and it is for the WEB CHAMPIONSHIP! Introducing first the challenger, approaching the ring, from the depths of the jungle, THEEEEE STONE MAN!
P.T.: Pathetic that these fans get behind a slobbering idiot like Stone Man. But I suppose neanderthals appreciate their own kind!
MM: I'll go ahead and ignore that statement, partner. Stone Man steps into the squared circle for the first time since his first round loss to Steve Steele at Champions Tournament. He'll be looking to avenge that loss and win the Web Championship this time around.
P.T.: If he even knows what avenging something is! I think to have a plan, to want to redeem yourself, you need to at least have a positive IQ. I heard instead of taking the test, Stone Man crumped up the paper and tried to make fire!
MM: You really do amuse yourself with those comments, don't you?
P.T.: I just tell it like it is, McFly! And right now I'll tell ya I can't wait to see what celebrity Steve Steele has with him, and whose faces are painted on his signature tights tonight!
Ring Announcer: Ladies & Gentlemen, I have just been informed that "Superstar" Steve Steele has a personal ring announcer to introduce him.
P.T.: Personal ring announcer?! That's fantastic! Who's it gonna be??!
[The crowd grumbles, waiting to see who will walk out. Steve Steele intentionally delays for 10 seconds to build hype and spite the crowd.]
[A medium-pitched voice begins announcing over the speakers, but no one has appeared yet.]
Voice: Rubes and rabble-rousers , stand and show your respect for a man who was gracious enough to clear his schedule and perform in front of you tonight, in an effort to bring a beacon of hope into your pathetic existence!
[Crowd gets violently angry]
Voice: Get your cell phones out, and prepare to share a Snapchat story with your friends telling them you were there to bear witness to what will quite frankly be a beatdown delivered to a prehistoric punk, by the man currently residing on the Las Vegas Strip...the one and only, The Superstar of Superstars, The Alpha A-Lister, YOUR Web Champiooooooon...SUPERSTAR! STEVE! STEEEEEEEEEEEELEEE!
[Steve Steele appears from behind the curtain to a chorus of boos. He's wearing his $9,000 black Armani suit soaking in the boos. He starts to walk towards the ring, then pauses, turns around and points to the curtain. Out walks the man with the voice holding the microphone, Stephen A. Smith. The boos grow even louder at the sight of Smith.]
P.T.: STEPHEN A! Can you believe it, McFly???! ESPN's finest, Stephen A. Smith is Steve Steele's personal ring announcer tonight! I love it!
MM: This was the big surprise?! For someone who dubs himself the "Alpha A-Lister", I sure wonder how well Steele knows his alphabet.
P.T.: How dare you speak ill of Stephen A! This is the man who breaks the NBA's biggest stories! Of course he's A-List! Ya know, McFly, at First Take I thought you were a smart guy, but after a second look I can see you're an idiot. See what I did there?
MM: Oh I see, trust me.
P.T.: Wait--shut up! We're about to see who's on his signature tights!
[Steele enters the ring, sits in the corner on a barstool and takes off his suit top. He then stands up and slowly tears away his pants to reveal his custom-tights which always showcase the faces of his celebrity friends. On this occasion, his tights feature various ESPN personalities, including Chris Broussard, Stephen A. Smith, Barry Melrose, and Doris Burke. The crowd boos stronger at the big reveal.]
P.T.: Look at that! It's like an ESPYs afterparty in here! And speaking of ESPYs, my sources told me that Steele hosted the most exclusive afterparty in Los Angeles earlier this month. Even Danica Patrick needed special clearance to get in!
MM: Steve Steele probably needed someone like Danica Patrick to even get into the ESPYs, so my guess is your sources are fabricating the story.
P.T.: Double M, if you only understood celebrity culture...
[Stone Man and Steele face each other in the middle of the ring, Steele hands his title belt to the referee who holds it up overhead. He signals for the bell and the match begins.]
MM: Celebrity or civilian, Steve Steele is now a fighter. Here we go! Stone Man! Steve Steele! Web Championship Match! The 2 men circle each other, and now lock up. It's Steele getting the early advantage, with a Wrist Lock on Stone Man. Steele applying more torque to increase the pressure on the lumberjack-like physique of Stone Man. Stone Man now counters, flipping him over with a deep arm drag! And now Stone Man charges at Steele! Lefts and rights to the gut, to the chest, to the shoulders! He's treating Steele like a heavy bag!
P.T.: Steele's backed into the corner now, ref better do his job and break this up!
MM: Stone Man continues the assault! Referee counting to 5 now, and Stone Man eases up before being DQ'd.
P.T.: Well if there's one thing we learned right there, it's that Stone Man can at least count to 5.
MM: Steele now asking for time from the ref. That's not really granted in pro wrestling but the ref is obliging for some reason, creating space between him and Stone Man. And now, oh C'MON! Steele takes advantage of the separation and charges at Stone Man with a flying forearm! That might as well be a cheap shot!
P.T.: Not a cheap shot McFly! Steele doesn't do anything on the cheap!
MM: Now Steele stomping Stone Man in the face and chest. Here he goes off the ropes, and he drops a running knee to the forehead, a la the legendary Harley Race. Stone Man back to his feet, hunched over. Steele locks his head, and there's a Fisherman's Suplex! The cover, to retain the title! 1---2---Kickout at 2!
P.T.: Flawless Fisherman's Suplex from Steele, and I like that strategy going for the early pin, keep Stone Man honest.
MM: Steele grabs Stone Man by the legs, what's he going to do here? Steele with a Catapult! Launches him into the corner! Stone Man face first into that turnbuckle, now he's backpedaling, and Steele from behind drops him with a Neckbreaker! Here's the pin! 1---hooks the leg---2---Stone Man gets the shoulder up!
P.T.: Building momentum and again making that Barney Rubble wannabe work to stay in the match!
MM: Steve Steele in complete command of this one, as Stephen A. Smith applauds in approval from the outside. Steele surveying the landscape, grabs Stone Man by the leg, and flips him over for a Half Crab! Half Crab on The Stone Man! Stone Man screaming in pain as Steele applies the pressure to his left leg!
P.T.: The more pressure on the leg, the more pain the lumbar spine endures!
MM: Stone Man trying to crawl towards the ropes as the crowd rallies behind him. He's still not giving up! He's almost there, aaaand, he grabs the bottom rope! That will cause a break in the hold as Steele lets his grip loose, but the damage has been done!
P.T.: You said it, your low back, that's your core, and when your core strength goes, it's tough to get leverage for any move.
MM: Steele slides outside of the ring now. Stephen A. Smith gives him a shoulder massage.
[Smith rubs Steele's shoulders while shouting, "That's right BABY! That's right!]
MM: Stone Man still laying on the canvas, his head outside the apron. Steele charges ahead and a Big Elbow to the neck! I don't care what time period you're from that HAS to hurt! Coming from the other side now, Steele with a Running Knee to the forehead! I don't think he's done, P.T...Now a Muay Thai Chop to the sides of the head!
P.T.: Steve Steele covering every lobe of Stone Man's head. Though given his time period, I don't know how developed his Frontal Lobe even is!
MM: I don't like the looks of this now partner. Steele slides his opponent halfway outside the apron, he has his head in a vice. Don't do it Steve! Flexes his other bicep to show off, and JEEZ ALOU! A DDT, Stone Man's head crashes into the concrete floor!
P.T.: I guess we'll find out how thick that skull is!
MM: Stone Man turns over and, oh no---Stone Man is a bloody mess! He's dripping blood from his forehead, somebody call a medic!
P.T.: Superstar Steve Steele is taking no prisoners tonight! President RajNATION ordered him to defend his Web Championship, and he's rubbing it in his face that he can take time off and STILL dominate!
MM: The champion brings Stone Man to his feet. Heads up! They're headed towards us! Steele clearing off our announce table, I don't like the looks of this. Referee has started a 10-count, he's at 4. Steele rolls back in and out of the ring to reset the count. Stone Man covered in blood, and Steele looking to make him bleed in more places here. It looks like he's going to go for a Powerbomb! A Powerbomb onto the table, that's what's on his mind! Here he goes---no---Stone Man blocks it. Another attempt, and another block! Stone Man up now! Turns Steele around! And--OH MY STARS! Belly to Back Suplex through the table!! Stone Man treated Steve Steele like a rag doll and planted him straight through our announce table with the Belly to Back!
[Fans pop and chant "HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!"]
P.T.: Oh the humanity! Our Alpha A-Lister is a human car wreck!
MM: Wait wait wait--P.T.--SKULL CRUSHER! SKULL CRUSHER! Stone Man with both of his giant hands, ensconcing the head of Superstar Steve Steele! He suffocates his opponents with this move! McGrath Arena is on FIRE right now! Only on Monday Night Raj! Only on Caged Heat!
P.T.: That grip is only getting stronger! Where's Stephen A. Smith?? Help him Stephen A!
MM: STEVE STEELE TAPS! HE'S TAPPING OUT! HE'S TAPPING OUT! The fans have exploded, but the referee waiving off the tap. He's trying to break the hold. He's trying to tell Stone Man that they have to be INSIDE the ring for this to count!
[Fans boo that Stone Man hasn't won.]
P.T.: Of course they have to be inside! This isn't a falls count anywhere match! Stone Man's too stupid to know the damn rules!
MM: Stone Man, I THINK, realizes what's going on and relinquishes the hold. Sweet Moses Steele's head has to be pulsing with pain! First he was thrown through that table, then he endured the Skull Crusher for a solid 20 seconds!
P.T.: Get back in the ring! That's enough of this nonsense!
MM: I agree with you partner. Our table has been demolished, Stone Man's a pool of blood, but Steve Steele is who brought this outside in the first place! It appears the ref has gotten through to Stone Man, and now he rolls back into the ring. Steele slowly crawling back in behind him. Now he's in the ring laying flat on his back. Stone Man climbs atop him for a pin!
2---we've got a new champ here!
I swear I thought that was 3!
P.T.: Well open your damn eyes then McFly! Superstar Steve Steele is still alive!
MM: What a match! Stone Man a fraction of a second from being our new Web Champion! Stone Man heads for the ropes, bounces off, and Big Splash! Those big bones of Stone Man fall onto Steele with a Big Splash! And now---what's this?! Reversal into an Inside Cradle pin! Inside Cradle by Steele!
Stone Man Kicks out! He kicked out but JUST barely! Jesus, Mary, and Joseph what a close encounter that was!
P.T.: Superstar Steve Steele took 300+ pounds of Stone Man directly on top of him, and managed to roll over into that pin, proving he IS the Superstar of Superstars!
[Fans begin getting rowdy and chanting, "SUPER-SUCK!"]
MM: Just a fantastic reversal from Steele! Both men coming to their feet now, and it's Steele with an Irish Whip into the corner. Stone Man bounces off the turnbuckle, here comes Steele! Slingblade! Slingblade by Steele! Now what's he have on his mind? Steele climbing the turnbuckle. He's going up top, could it be??
P.T.: Da nuh nuh, Da nuh nuh (Sportscenter theme)! We're about to see the Superstar Press, McFly!
MM: Steve Steele up top as the boos reign down upon him. The Superstar Press, his signature move. The Shooting Star Press into a Flying Elbow Drop. The Flex of the biceps, he's ready to take flight! Steele leaps into the air, Stone Man rolls out of the way, but Steele flips and lands on his feet! Stone Man hugs him from behind, going for the Belly To Back Suplex! Belly to Back---No! Steele lifted up and over but able to land on his feet! Stone Man turns around swinging a right hand and Steele ducks the punch! And here's a Roundhouse Kick! Connecting square in the jaw of Stone Man dropping him to the mat. Steele grabs Stone Man by the legs, steps through, 5 Seconds of Fame! 5 Seconds of Fame! Steele locks in the one-armed Sharpshooter on Stone Man!
P.T.: He's already done damage to the low back from that Half Crab earlier in the match, this is a compounding of that pain! Steele flexing the bicep on his free hand, Stephen A. applauding from the outside, I love it!
[Crowd goes into an uproar to motivate Stone Man.]
MM: Fans rallying behind Stone Man! He's trying to make it to that bottom rope! He's almost there, and now Steele drags him into the middle of the ring! Stone Man writhing in pain!
And he tapped! He tapped! Stone Man taps out to to 5 Seconds of Fame!
[Stephen A. Smith grabs the microphone on the outside.]
Stephen A. Smith: Ladies & Gentlemen, your winner, and STILL Web Champion, the man you all aspire to, SUPERSTAR Steve Steele!
[Crowd boos heavily]
P.T.: How about that, McFly! Superstar Steve Steele remains our Web Champion!
MM: And he certainly deserves to keep it, P.T. That was an absolutely amazing finish to the match. He was up top ready for the Superstar Press, Stone Man rolled out but Steele landed on his feet. Then he countered the Belly To Back. From there he ducked underneath a swinging right hand, and met his foot to Stone Man's face which set up 5 Seconds of Fame! Incredible athleticism, endurance, and ring awareness by Superstar Steve Steele!
[Steve Steele grabs the microphone and begins talking over his music.]
Steve Steele: Be sure to watch Sportscenter later tonight where my boys at ESPN will have full analysis of my match! And now that I've laid waste to this Fred FUNKstone wannabe and given him his 5 Seconds of Fame, I can get back to reading scripts to decide what movie I want to star in!
As far as this Monday Night Raj Championship Match coming up next is concerned, I don't really care what dolt gets the decision. Cam Danzler? I'll put you on Danzler With The Stars! Ace Hopper? I'm feeling froggish and I'm ready to leap ahead of you, bitch! All you insufferable Second Class Citizens need to know is that the Web Championship ain't enough for Superstar Steve Steele! The Alpha A-Lister is coming for that MNR Title, and whoever I have to encounter, I'll have them seeing stars!
Stephen A.--let's bust out of here and try to find some 10s in this city of 5s!
[Crowd throws trash at Steele and Smith as they exit and his music plays.]
MM: Well there you have it, friends. Straight from the horse's mouth, Superstar Steve Steele makes his intentions clear that he's coming for that top spot!
P.T.: I love it! Why wear one belt when you can wear 2? I hope we get lucky enough to have Superstar Steele representing all the gold in this federation!
MM: Well ladies & gentlemen, that brings us to our main event for Monday Night Raj: Caged Heat and it is none other than a Steel Cage Match for the MNR Championship!
P.T.: The challenger Cam Danzler goes up against the Champion Ace Hopper, and these 2 have been at each other's throats for weeks!
[Video package shows the back and forth between Danzler and Hopper.]
[Excerpt from contract signing.]
*Hopper walks down to the ring with a purpose, immediately gets into the ring and signs the contract, flips the pen, and grabs a microphone*
"Now that THATS taken care of, why don't we get down to the REAL business. No disrespect commish, but you know as well as I do that these things never go as planned anyway, so I figured I'd just save you the trouble and get that out of the way first. Cam Danzler, why don't you get your little ass on down here and let's settle this early!"
*Danzler arrogantly walks down to the ring laughing and gets face-to-face with Hopper.*
"Ace my friend, you're adorable. You've barely clung on in every match you've been in. I on the other hand, have faced ZERO, and I mean ZERO struggle from all these duds. I'm gonna wipe your face across that cheese grater you maggot."
MM: As the steel cage overhead begins to lower halfway, let's take you backstage where our broadcast colleague is with Cam Danzler!
[Danzler is pacing back and forth in his locker room. The crowd boos seeing him on screen.]
Reporter: Cam, in just a few moments you get your title shot against Ace Hopper inside of a steel cage. What's your strategy?
Danzler: My strategy?! MY STRATEGY?! My strategy is to stop fielding jackass questions like that! Get the hell out of my way!
[Danzler shoves the reporter away and takes the microphone.]
President Raj NATION Wants to put The Unchained Beast inside of a steel cage?! GREAT! Put me in a cage, put me in a cell, put me inside of barbed wire. None of it matters because this beast knows no habitat! My sanctuary is YOUR suffering, Ace Hopper!
All week you know what I've had on my mind? WAFFLES! That's right, WAFFLES! Every morning this week I've had waffles for breakfast. My pre-match meal? More waffles. And you wanna know why? Because Ace, I'm going to use that steel cage as a waffle iron for your face! The blood you shed will be the strawberry compote. And the cherry on top of this meal? Cam Danzler exiting that cage, and exiting McGrath Arena as the NEW Monday Night Raj Champion! It's time this federation goes into BEAST MODE! AAAAAAHHHHHH!
[Danzler storms off camera.]
MM: Well Cam Danzler is a man on a mission. Danzler, Hopper, steel cage, MNR Title at stake, that match is now!
[Lights fade to near darkness as Danzler's music hits and he appears at the top of the stage wearing designer sunglasses, muscle t-shirt, and holding a water bottle, pacing left to right.]
[The beat drops in his music and a colorful light beam display fills the arena. Danzler walks with a slow arrogance to the ring as the crowd pours down boos. He steps into the ring and poses with his arms wide and chest out as the light beams all center on him.]
[Pyro shoots from stage right as the intro to the song concludes, and Ace Hopper appears from behind the curtain wearing a hoodie with the hood up to a thunderous reaction from the crowd. He holds his MNR Championship high in salute to the crowd, as they begin chanting "HOP-PER!" to the beat of the song.]
MM: As the sun sets into the horizon of the western suburbs on a blazing July night in Chicago, a different son rises inside of a scorching McGrath Arena! The prodigal son, the hometown hero, the Monday Night Raj Champion, Ace Hopper is here!
P.T.: The Chicago native has fought many battles, but as he enters the ring now and looks at that steel cage suspended above him, he must prepare for WAR. The thermostat is at 3 digits, those 4 walls of steel don't play favorites, this is CAGED HEAT! THIS is MONDAY NIGHT RAJ!
[Hopper removes his hoodie and holds the belt up high as his music fades, the crowd continues to chant his name, and the steel cage lowers completely.]
Ring announcer: The following contest is a Steel Cage Match and it is for the Monday Night Raj Championship!
In this match there are no pinfalls, no submissions, and no disqualifications. The ONLY way to win is to be the first one to climb out of the cage with both feet flat on the floor! Introducing first, the challenger, from New York City, The Unchained Beast...CAM! DAAANZLER!
[Danzler spreads his arms wide and puffs out his chest while the crowd boos.]
His opponent, from CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, he is the Monday Night Raj CHAMPION, The Mercenary With A Mouth...AAAAAAAAACE HOPPER!
[Hopper holds his hands overhead making a spade, with the title belt over his shoulder.The crowd chants "ACE! OF! SPADES!]
[The ref presents the belt to both competitors, and the bell rings.]
P.T.: Here we go! MNR Title on the line! Will it be a brawl in favor of the Beast? Or a massacre by way of the Mercenary?
MM: Danzler and Hopper step towards each other, face to face! Both men mouthing off to each other, if only I could be a fly on a shoulder for that conversation! McGrath Arena is a thunderdome right now, I don't see a single person sitting down! Hopper and Danzler continue to mouth off just inches from one another. And now--OH SWEET MOSES! Danzler slaps Hopper clean across the face! Hopper sent backpedaling a couple steps from the force of that slap. He puts his hand to his face to wipe it off, and now he charges at Danzler! Hopper charges him into the corner!
P.T.: Rightfully so, Hopper didn't appreciate that show of disrespect by Danzler, now he's taking it to him with hard kicks to the gut!
MM: Hopper stomping away at Danzler in the corner, he's got him all the way to the ground! Hopper backing off and walking to the opposite corner. He points at his opponent, the crowd winding him up. Sprinting ahead and a Dropkick to a seated and cornered Danzler! Ace sprints to the opposite corner again, and now another running Dropkick! Fans here at McGrath Arena firmly behind their hometown boy. Hopper picks up The Untamed Beast, Irish Whip off the ropes, Danzler coming back toward him, and--THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A MARK! Hopper launches Danzler face first into the steel cage!
P.T.: It didn't take long for someone to use the cage as a weapon, unfortunately for Danzler he was on the receiving end!
MM: Danzler wobbling back toward Hopper, who lifts him up now and plants him Sacrum-first on his knee for an Atomic Drop! Textbook Atomic Drop from Hopper, who is in total control from the outset. Hopper off the ropes here, with a Knee to the back of the head, Danzler drops to the ground! What does he have on his mind next? He's going up! Hopper ascending the cage!
P.T.: Ace Hopper wants to walk out early with a win!
MM: Hopper with his fingers laced around that cross-mesh pattern of steel, looking to leave as champion. Danzler back to his feet now, shakes the cage wall, Hopper loses his grip and falls to the mat. But he landed on his feet. Goes to punch Danzler, but Danzler catches his fist! Cam Danzler holding Hopper's fist LITERALLY in the palm of his hand! What strength! Now he twists the fist upside down for a modified Wrist Lock!
P.T.: The strength in grip to do that is absolutely amazing.
MM: With Hopper's fist in hand, Danzler now kicking the champ in the abdomen. Hopper trying to gain leverage but Danzler relentless with that Wrist Lock. Hopper now able to back toward the corner, gets one foot on the rope, now another, he's climbing the turnbuckle with the Wrist Lock still applied. The champ on the second rope, leaps at Danzler for a Flying Forearm but--BOOM! He's met with a hard Clothesline, dropping him to the mat!
P.T.: Great effort by Hopper but Danzler had that one scouted out a mile in advance!
MM: Danzler now on the offensive stomping away at the upper body of the champion. He promised he would turn Hopper's face into a waffle, let's see how that unfolds though. Danzler picks up Hopper, grabbing him by the back of the head and--oh that's sick! Yep that's making good on your promise alright. Danzler raking Hopper's face left and right across the cage!
P.T.: Thank God when I was still wrestling the only cage matches I fought in were the old blue cages in the perpendicular cross section pattern, not this mesh diagonal patterned cage we have tonight, otherwise this face wouldn't be nearly as pretty as i is today!
MM: Hopper may want to look into elective surgery after this match, partner. Danzler continues to ride his opponent's face along the cage, now he's walking it along each side of the cage! Do you see that? Hopper's bleeding! Danzler the first one to draw blood, or as he so descriptively phrased it before the match, the strawberry compote on this waffle.
P.T.: The IHOP special for Ace Hopper!
MM: Danzler finally relents the assault, but he's certainly not done with the champ. What's this now? Sets him up for what looks like a suplex of some kind. He has the head hooked, and--MAN that had to hurt! A snap suplex directly into the cage! Ace Hopper's back slammed against steel, and let me tell you, this arena was roaring not too long ago, but Danzler's sucked the life out of the crowd!
P.T.: And that's important. Danzler knows this his Hopper's turf. He knows that a brutal, slow takedown also takes the audience out of the equation, and resets that home field advantage.
MM: A stomp to the back of the champ. Danzler now straddling his opponent. He lowers down, grabs him by the throat, and CAMEL CLUTCH! Camel Clutch on the champion, he is screaming in pain! You cannot win by submission in this match though.
P.T.: No you can't, but that doesn't mean you can't wear your opponent out, or better yet, make him pass out, and waltz out of that cage a champion!
[Fans begin chanting "LET'S GO HOPPER!"]
MM: Crowd trying to will their man back into the match. He was fading, but now showing signs of life! Hopper trying to find a way, some way, any way to break the hold! He manages to get to his knees, that will definitely reduce the low back pressure. Now onto one foot, this crowd giving Hopper the life he so desperately needs right now! Danzler shaking his head "no", with a disbelieving look on his face. Hopper onto 2 feet carrying Danzler on his back! Danzler still has that Camel Clutch applied though!
P.T.: This isn't gonna end well for Danzler!
MM: Hopper falls backward on top of Danzler with the reversal!
P.T.: No Double M! Danzler actually reversed the reversal! He never let go of the Camel Clutch grip and as Hopper dropped him backwards he turned it into a Backstabber! THAT is impressive!
MM: You're right partner, hell of a maneuver, and great eye for catching that. Hopper appeared to be regaining the edge, but Danzler squashed that. Hopper laying flat on the mat, and now Danzler's going up! Danzler's looking to win the title right here right now! Inch by inch, can Cam Danzler become the new MNR Champion?! He's all the way up top!
P.T.: Seconds away, swing that other leg over and climb on out Cam!
MM: Hopper is back up though! Hopper sees what's happening and springs to his feet! He takes a few steps back, and scales the cage! My God he just made it to the top in under 3 seconds! I have never seen that before. He stepped back to give himself a running start, and climbed the cage in about 3 strides!
P.T.: Does he have a background in Tough Mudder's or something?
MM: Danzler and Hopper both sitting atop the cage, straddling it. Danzler begins punching hopper with hard rights! Punch after punch! And Hopper returns the favor now! Rights from Danzler! Lefts from Hopper! Another right! Another left! These men wearing each other out! Now a Forearm by Hopper!
[Crowd cheers with each Hopper punch, and boos with each Danzler punch.]
P.T.: How are they still maintaining their balance up there?
MM: Danzler with an Uppercut! And a Jab! And an Uppercut! And a Jab! The champion reeling! Danzler now grabs him by the throat. Oh no I don't like the looks of this! Danzler lifts him up by the throat and--OH MY STARS!!!
Cam Danzler sends Ace Hopper 12 feet down to the mat with a Throat Toss!
[Crowd chants "HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!"]
P.T.: That sounded like a gun went off, McFly! The impact! And did you see how Hopper landed? Not a pretty fall, he landed on his left shoulder! Regardless of your opinion of Cam Danzler, that was a phenomenal display of strength!
MM: Ladies & Gentlemen we may have just seen the demise of Ace Hopper at the hands of Cam Danzler. The champion laid out flat on the mat, and the challenger can win this thing right here right now by climbing out!
P.T.: And there he goes, he's brought that left leg over to the outside, we're about to see a new champion!
MM: The title reign of Ace Hopper coming to a close, as Danzler begins his descent. You've got to give it to Hopper though. That kid has heart, he has guts.
P.T.: But he's not gonna have a Title belt anymore!
MM: Wait a minute--what's Danzler doing? WHAT THE?? He's climbing back up! What in the name of Goose Island is Cam Danzler thinking?! He's back up top, and did you hear that Barnum?
P.T.: Danzler just shouted down to Hopper, "I WILL END YOU!"
MM: Danzler standing up at the top of the cage, facing the crowd! Uh oh--do you think?
P.T.: This man is in Beast Mode! Is he really going to do it?!
MM: Danzler atop the cage, spreads his arms and puffs out his chest! Fans telling him to jump! Danzler--OH SWEET MOSES! A Moonsault from the top of the cage!
[Fans go wild and chant, "THAT JUST HAPPENED!"]
P.T.: Did that really just happen though?! I don't believe what I just saw. Are you kidding me?! A Moonsault from 12 feet in the air, from the top of the cage? And he landed square on top of Hopper, all 250+ pounds of him!
MM: Danzler said he was gonna end Hopper, and I think he may have. Hopper's gada have internal injuries from that impact. It took a toll on Danzler as well though, Both men flat on the mat!
P.T.: High-risk maneuvers come with high rewards, but oftentimes high consequences as well.
MM: Hopper starting to move, and crawl his way towards the ropes. He's on the side of the ring that meets the entrance aisle. Danzler on the other side getting up as well. Hopper using those ropes for leverage brings himself up to a knee. Danzler able to get back to 2 feet now. He crouches down, you know what that means partner!
P.T.: The Moonsault sets up the Spear, and for Danzler, Moonsaulting from 12 feet in the air is no exception!
MM: Danzler, The Untamed Beast, waiting for Hopper to get to his feet. Looking to spear him in half then climb the cage and become our new MNR Champion!
P.T.: Hopper's back up, he's got his arms wrapped around the ropes to hold himself up. I don't think he knows where he is!
MM: Danzler pounds the mat with his fists, charges at Hopper, SPEAR! Danzler connects with the Spear, driving Hopper's back flush against the steel cage! Hopper sandwiched between a human bulldozer and a wall of steel!
P.T.: Wait partner, Danzler connected with the Spear alright, but his skull bounced off the cage in the process! He hurt himself with that Spear! Look he's on the mat holding his head, kicking his feet in pain. And Hopper looks like he'd be better off lying in a casket!
MM: The Untamed Beast is down, The Mercenary With A Mouth is down, one of these men needs to climb out of the cage to win the title! Can you believe this action?! Only on Monday Night Raj!
WHAT THE--the lights just went out! P.T., the lights just went out! What on earth is going on here?!
P.T.: I can't see a damn thing, is this a power surge from the heat outside?!
[The crowd grumbles in confusion and anticipation.]
MM: Lights are still out! It's been nearly a minute without power. No one can see a damn thing, no one knows what's going on! If maintenance ruins this championship match, let me tell you I'll be livid!
Wait, P.T. do you smell that?!
P.T.: What am I, hard of smelling?! Of course I smell that! It smells like gasoline!
MM: Gasoline fumes filling the arena, I'm starting to fear for all of our safety now. It smells like a BP station in here. OH MY--OH MY--for all that is celestial OH MY STARS! The cage walls just ignited! WHAT THE HELL?! THE CAGE WALLS ARE ON FIRE! SOMEBODY SEND HELP! CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT!
[The lights come back on, with all 4 cage walls up in flames.
Danzler and Hopper are still laid flat out in the ring. ]
MM: Lights finally back on now, thank God! The cage is engulfed in flames, and---LOOK! LOOK! P.T. CAN YOU SEE THROUGH THE FLAMES TO THE OTHER SIDE?! OOOOOOOOH MYYYYYYYYYYY!
[Brutice Johnson is standing outside the cage at the base of the entrance ramp in his SWAT Team gear, with his skeleton bandana over his face. He's holding a can of gasoline in his right hand, and a large kitchen lighter in his left. He lowers the bandana and shows an accomplished smirk. The fans roar--they don't like him, but they roar at the spectacle before them.]
P.T.: He's here! Brutice Johnson is here! The lights going out, the cage on fire, it was no maintenance problem! it was no electrical issue! It was no heat power surge! It was Brutice Johnson!
MM: Hopper and Danzler are lifeless inside the ring! The cage looks like a California wildfire! Brutice Johnson with the evidence in hand! Can anyone in the back hear me?! GET HELP! Hopper and Danzler are gonna roast like pigs on a spit!
[Ace Hopper and Cam Danzler wake up and come to their senses and realize what's going on. They spring to their feet and try climbing but the heat makes the metal too hot to touch.]
MM: Champion and challenger trapped inside! Hopper and Danzler can't get out! WE NEED HELP OUT HERE! Somebody call the damn fire department! It is LITERALLY Caged Heat in here! These 2 men's lives are at stake! Can you imagine the repercussions if they can get out of this?! OH Brutice Johnson--you're gonna pay for this!!
[Danzler and Hopper stand back to back in the middle of the ring, as far from the flames on each side as they can be. Brutice Johnson smiles from the outside as the telecast fades out and the show ends.]